Chapter Text
That had been the worst mistake of her entire life. All she could think about was how she had been so naive to think that giving into Pope’s advances would have been a good idea.
Kiara was currently tossing and turning between the sheets of what once was Big John’s bed, recently turned into JJ’s.
For a long time this room had been close to a taboo to her; regardless of the many years she had spent around at the Chateau, she had actually never stepped foot inside these particular four walls up until recently. Back then it seemed too disrespectful and a total invasion of privacy to snoop around the bedroom of her friend’s father, but then ever since he went missing the room had been monopolized by JJ and until even more recently, when her parents decided to so kindly kick her out of their home, she now held the biggest claim over the bed.
At first space hadn’t been a problem considering how John B was locked up in jail and she unashamedly took over his room, often times sharing it with Sarah... at least whenever she wasn’t too worried over her boyfriend to spend restless nights in the hammock or on the couch on the patio.
However as soon as he got back a few days ago, the house immediately became overcrowded.
It wasn’t honestly that big of a deal, they were more than used to adjust to hostilities by now, so she was perfectly fine with being relegated to the pullout, it was better than sleeping in the streets anyway and she was behind grateful to just have a roof over her head and friends who took care of her but for some reason, taken by a sudden wave of gallantry, it didn’t seem to sit right with JJ and he had insisted that she’d move into his room and sleep in a proper bed so he could take the couch.
She fought with him for a good hour seeing no valid reason for basically kicking him out of his room, she hated when the guys tried to act like knights in shining armor with her, but eventually he all but threatened her to wake her up every morning with a bucket of ice cold water if she didn’t leave the pullout to him so she ended up accepting his offer, knowing damn well that he would’ve actually done it.
Kie was partially grateful ‘cause the bed was really comfortable and she much preferred it to the mattress on the old pullout couch, which was so overused that you could literally feel the bed springs poking your body while laying down on it, although the other half of her felt incredibly guilty knowing that JJ had just spent his second night in a row on that thing; his back was probably screaming in pain.
All of this could’ve been easily avoided if she simply had accepted Pope’s offer.
As soon as she got kicked out, he invited her to stay over at his house and it probably would’ve made more sense staying at his place rather than bunking with Sarah in a bed and putting JJ in the living room. The new nature of their relationship should’ve also been another point in favor of that option, but it was instead the main reason why she opted for staying at the Chateau.
To say that her “relationship” with Pope (if you could even call it so) didn’t work out was an understatement.
Admittedly Kiara was a little ashamed of herself for leading Pope on knowing from the start how deep he was into their relationship, he all but confessed his love for her only a little over a month ago and she had always known for a fact that she didn’t feel the same way about him, not at first at least.
Did she fall in love with her friend? No, that never happened but she’d be a liar if she didn’t admit that sometimes kissing him or being a little more physical with him felt good in some ways and it was to this exact feeling that she had been hanging on so fiercely to convince herself it could’ve worked out.
Despite that, she realized pretty soon the only reason why she didn’t mind it so much was simply because it worked as a great distraction from all the chaos happening around them and from the grieving of their two friends, who they believed to be dead at sea.
Day by day it became even more clear to her how much they were at two completely different levels in terms of emotional involvement and it only got worse and worse as time went by.
It was like the more Pope grew confident of his feelings for her, the more Kie grew confident of how she could only ever see him as a friend.
She was positive that at some point he must have clocked her hesitancy ‘cause even the physical aspect, which had been the only thing she had given all herself into, eventually started getting weird.
From the instant she realized that he could never be more than a friend to her there were moments when she wasn’t feeling him at all, not even for a hug or a simple kiss and it definitely caused some awkwardness and tension between the two.
Tension that only got worse after spending the night together.
Kiara was actually mad at herself ‘cause by that point she had known well enough how much she wanted an out from whatever was happening between them and despite that she still was the one who initiated it. She didn’t even know why she let things go so far, or better she knew why, but she knew it was wrong during every second of it.
But she couldn’t get out of her head the way Pope reacted the first time she rejected him and she was scared to death to lose him, she knew that she was too deep into it and she thought there was no other option but hoping for things to work out, she wanted to get past whatever obstacle her mind was trapping her into. Naively she believed that maybe going all the way could’ve at least brought back her confidence when it came to the physical aspect and then work from there.
It ended up being the worst mistake of her life ‘cause things only got worse after.
What should’ve been the night she allowed herself a new chance with Pope was instead the final and strongest confirmation of how wrong it all felt and how her best friend could never be more than that in her eyes.
She realized then that she couldn’t escape from the truth for any longer, especially knowing how much Pope was emotionally invested into it and how worse she had only made it by taking away his virginity and at last a few days ago she finally found the courage to speak her mind and express her true feelings over the entire situation.
When she told him she’d much prefer to stay friends, she was glad to see him not only accept her decision but seemingly agree with it, for a short moment she actually believed he felt the same way and that they were both simply too scared to admit it to the other; the contrast in his reaction from the first time she had turned him down was like day and night so she assumed he truly agreed, better off as friends with no hard feelings.
How wrong had she been.
All it took was a couple of hours to see the reaction that she so strongly feared become a reality. Ice cold Pope was back and there were indeed lots of hard feelings.
This was the main reason why she was now kicking the covers of the bed like a maniac in utter frustration, this was the second night in a row spent without sleeping at all. No matter how heavily she tried to change the direction of her thoughts, they would always go back to Pope.
To him, to his resentment towards her, to their friendship that was irreparably broken and most of all, how he was probably right about all of it and how it was all her fault.
Pope would never forgive her for the way she played with his heart and she would always have to live with the consequences of her actions.
After the second restless night in a row and hours and hours spent in bed, close to ripping her hair out at the frustration of sleep never coming, she just gave up; it was already the next morning anyway and there was no point to keep fighting a losing battle.
She needed to get out of there, she needed space and peace and quiet.
Anyplace where just for a few hours she’d be able to get away from Pope and his stone cold attitude and in all fairness even far from John B who, although she was incredibly happy to have back, was currently not helping at allwith all his whining about Sarah, as if they were actually gonna stay broken up for longer than a couple of days.
Sadly though she knew that her options were quite limited considering how her car was still at her parents house and she didn’t know how to drive the HMS Pogue.
There was however a certain blonde boy who knew how to drive boats like it was his second nature, boy that was also particularly good at the game of silence when he wanted to.
That was the plan: JJ, HMS Pogue, escape from this house before her thoughts could eat her up alive… and before Pope got here.
In two minutes Kiara was out of bed and had already put on an old bikini of hers long forgotten here at the Chateau, followed by only a t-shirt covering her up, one that she found on a chair next to the dresser and she assumed belonged to JJ. When she got out of the bedroom she was glad to see her target already awake and ready for the day.
JJ was in the kitchen trying to fix himself some breakfast, if you could even call a pair of Eggos (most likely expired by a couple of weeks) a real meal, too busy fighting with the toaster to notice her coming into the room.
The morning had begun just like any other for JJ, or at least as much as it could have been when only a day prior he had witnessed Ward Cameron blow himself up on his yacht right in front of his very eyes, but still he woke up at around 8:00 AM on the old rusty pull out couch and got barely dressed in old cargo shorts and a red cutoffs shirt, ready to do absolutely nothing but getting baked on the hammock during one of his rare Sunday’s off from work and he was hoping to convince John B to join in on the fun instead of letting him spend his existence sulking over his girlfriend, or ex girlfriend technically.
What he didn’t expect was for Kie to get out of Big John’s old room in only a bikini and one of his old Pelican Marina t-shirt at such an early hour for a weekend morning and even more so he didn’t expect for her to come with such a specific request.
“Morning” she greeted him sitting up on the counter close to the toaster, where JJ was waiting for his Eggos to be ready.
“Hey, why are you already up?” He asked her with a raised eyebrow, which was a fair question considering how usually she’d only see the light of day after 10 or 11 on the weekend.
“I can’t sleep well in that room, it’s too hot” she tried to shrug it off but he noticed how her gaze dropped to the floor and instantly caught her lie.
“Was it what happened yesterday? With Ward?” JJ wondered, concerned she might have been a bit traumatized by what they saw.
“Mmh? Oh yeah Ward, it probably was that as well” Kie knew when to take an opportunity and she was more than glad to go with JJ’s suspicions instead of having to explain what was truly troubling her mind.
Nonetheless he also caught onto this lie and wasn’t convinced at all by her answer, but he didn’t have the time to question it further ‘cause she got straight to the point.
“How about we take the Pogue out? Just for a spin around the marsh” she suggested catching his full attention.
“Yeah, sounds good” he couldn’t deny that it was a good replacement for his original plan, equally as chill and equally as relaxing and munching on his poor excuse of a waffle he added “call Pope, I’mma go wake John B up”
“No, I mean -” Kie said promptly putting a hand on his arm to stop him since he was already moving towards their friend’s bedroom “I meant you and me. Just the two of us”
“Oh… why?” he was slightly taken aback.
Venturing out into the marsh wasn’t an unusual request in itself, they’d randomly hang out and come up with plans at the very last minute all the time especially during slow weekends, what was out of the norm was how she specifically wanted it to be a solo expedition with him, lazy days out on the boat were usually a Pogue thing that involved the whole squad, it was kind of their main group activity.
They close to never opted to sail out without at least inviting the whole lot of the Pogues, sure sometimes someone was missing out on the fun but it was always after declining the offer forced by their responsibilities and with a promise to join the rest of the crew later, that’s why the request came as a surprise by specifically pointing out “just the two of us” like for some reason she wanted to be sneaky about it.
“You know John B is probably gonna kill us, right?” JJ reminded her and it was probably true.
Although they occasionally sailed his boat even without him, they never made plans to take it out without his consent or behind his back, John B treated the HMS Pogue like his own child and JJ was positive his friend would’ve gladly killed anyone who touched his precious baby against his knowledge.
“He won’t, he has bigger things to worry about now” and she surely did make a really good point.
“And what if something happens or Rafe comes after him? He can’t escape” JJ also made a good point to counter hers.
“He still has the Twinkie and nothing bad will happen” she huffed in exasperation at his hostility “besides, since when did you become such a big worrier?”
“Since we have serial killers for enemies and ‘nothing bad will happen’ sure sounds like our daily routine” he replied sarcastically without missing a beat and making her roll her eyes.
“Whatever, forget it. All I wanted was to spend a chill day with my best friend but apparently he became too much of a puss* to even leave the house” she said turning away from him.
JJ knew exactly what Kie was doing, she was challenging him to prove her wrong which was a foolproof tactic when it came to the two of them and as if that wasn’t already enough to pull him towards agreement, of course in front of his initial lack of response she had to double down and raise her head to give him the puppy eyes.
One thing he had learned very early into their friendship was that he could never find it within himself to ever say no to Kie, especially when she turned all soft and pleading, which wasn’t too often but when she did, she sure did a good job. He was a weak man after all.
“Ok fine, let’s go” he ultimately agreed tossing his now empty plate into the kitchen sink.
“Great” she said jumping off the counter with renewed enthusiasm and giving him instructions “go start the boat, I’ll grab some snacks for later”
He did just as he was told and started loading fishing equipment on the HMS Pogue, all in the most quiet way possible to not wake an oblivious John B up from his slumber.
He then grabbed the keys from the coffee table and decided to wait for Kiara on the boat while she finished packing the essentials and when she was finally done and ready to join him, he greeted her with a blinding smile and an overly dramatic bow as she walked down the dock dangling a small cooler in her hands.
“Well, what do we have here today?” he asked while taking the cooler from her so she could safely get on the boat.
“Your favorites: my impeccable tuna sandwiches, Oreos, Doritos, strawberry milkshakes and sh*tloads of beer. I know, I’m the best and you’re welcome” she said sitting down and putting her sunglasses on.
“Since when we have all that in the house?” he wondered scrunching up his nose in confusion.
“Since I took care of the groceries three days ago. I’m telling you, you guys are blessed I moved in, I’m spoiling you way too much”
To the most she might have seemed just her normal self but JJ saw right through her façade,her shoulders were tense and she was too energetic for someone who usually took two to three hours to start functioning in the morning and not to mention all the fuss with their favorite snacks and the grocery. It was almost as if she was overcompensating for some reason.
He decided not to question it much for the time being, already sensing that he had tested her patience with his previous inquiries about her plan and he opted for maybe observe her throughout the day to try and catch his answers, so he simply started driving the boat away from the Chateau.
“So where to?” he asked a few minutes later.
“I don’t know” she shrugged and then in a somber tone she muttered “just in the middle of nowhere would be perfect”
“Ok Kie, what’s up this morning?” his patience didn’t last long so stopping the boat he went to sit in front of her, something was clearly wrong and he had no doubt about it now.
“You know we’re in a transit zone, right? You can’t just stop the boat in the middle of the canal”
“Too late, I already did. So, what’s up with all this?” he asked again dismissing her attempt at changing the subject.
“Jeez, JJ. Can’t someone just want to hang out with a friend? Nothing’s wrong!” she bitterly replied.
He didn’t say anything but just kept looking at her raising his eyebrows expectingly, as if to let her know how her tone and demeanor had already contradicted her words and there clearly was something going on that he was determined to find out, so she’d better spill it out. To his surprise it seemed to work ‘cause eventually after a full minute of silence with her gaze down, she gave him something.
“Look, I just want to be away for a little. I-“ she took a deep breath “it’s a lot. I want to go out in the marsh and sit in silence for a while and forget about all this sh*t. Can we please just go out in the water today? You set up your things for fishing, I lay down tanning and we just enjoy the silence of the marsh pretending none of the sh*t in the last month ever happened? I just need a breather, that’s it.”
Her eyes were almost pleading him to comply with her request and not make the situation heavier than it needed to be, so he just nodded and went back behind the wheel.
“‘Kay. How does the Green bay sounds? The one past Rixon’s, remember?”
“Yeah, that’s a good spot” she smiled gratefully at him and then turned her attention back to the water.
The rest of the ride was spent in complete silence but it wasn’t awkward, it never was between them and after half an hour they finally reached their destination.
The Green bay was a fairly desolated strip of sand that emerged amongst the lagoon and it got the name because of its surroundings, a little piece of paradise with clear water in the greenery of the marsh, it was one of the few places on the Island that was left completely unscathed by tourists and JJ was sure that not even the majority of the Kooks had any idea that this place existed, it was a little jewel known only by the deep rooted locals of the Cut. The only reason why they rarely hang out there was how difficult it was to reach and how far it was, almost at the border with the neighboring county and in the depth of untouched nature.
When he stopped the boat to drop the anchor he picked a spot not too far from shore had she wanted to take a swim but not too close to the sand banks where his attempt at fishing would be vain. They did exactly what Kie had requested, she quickly took off her t-shirt and laid on her back with her eyes closed to just let the sun bathe her skin and upon noticing how determined she truly was to be left alone in silence, he also decided to mind his own business preparing his fishing pole and then laying back on his elbows to just patiently wait for something once the bait was thrown into the water.
They spent a good hour just like that. After a few disappointingly small fishes and a few tanning positions later, Kie stood up and grabbed two beers from the cooler offering one to JJ when she sat down next to him, both leaning their backs against the side of the boat with knees bent up and eyes on the water in front of them.
“JayJ, can I ask you something?” she then broke the silence unexpectedly.
He didn’t reply with words but just gave her a nod with his beer can to signal to go on and shoot the question.
“Do you remember your first time?”
JJ all but chocked on the sip of beer he just took with eyes watering from the aggressive coughing; out of all the words that could’ve left her mouth, he didn’t see those coming.
“Jesus, Kie! So much for sitting in silence, uh?” he replied with a grin once he recollected himself.
“What? All of a sudden you’re a prude? I thought sex was your favorite subject to discuss” she shrugged it off then but he noticed a veil of embarrassment in her voice“I was just wondering, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to”
“Yeah, of course I remember it” he replied quickly, too curious to know where this question had come from before she could drop the topic entirely.
“How was it?” her cheeks instantly warming up upon realizing how blunt her question had sounded “I mean, not the specifics…just- was it special?”
She actually didn’t know much about JJ’s first experiences with girls and she had always wondered how much Pope and John B knew that she didn’t about this particular aspect of his life. Most of it had happened while she was too busy on the other side of the island, she left him nothing more than a kid who would brag about a kiss or two at the boneyard and returned finding a boy who suddenly had girls in his bed.
All she came to know during that timeframe was the result of whispered secrets of Kook girls in her school corridors, girls who couldn’t help but brag about their escapades with the “bad boy from the Cut” to all their friends. She had always hated hearing about it, not only it was extremely irritating how they’d disgustingly objectify JJ like that, but it was also a constant reminder for her of how much she was missing out at the time and how fast they were growing up while being apart.
“Special isn’t exactly the word I would use” JJ chuckled bringing her back to the present “I mean, two virgins in the back of a car don’t exactly make a five stars experience.”
“Yeah, I guess” she shrugged dismissively once again.
“Well, if you were hoping for something better I’m sorry to disappoint but my talent came with a grand deal of practice” he half joked bumping her shoulder.
“I’m sure it did, but that’s not what I was talking about” she sounded almost frustrated at him for missing the point.
“I’m not sure I’m following you then” his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
“It’s not the sex in itself that I’m talking about, my question was more about the sentimental aspect of it”
“The sentimental aspect?” he repeated, skepticism coating his words.
“Yes, like…” she sighed before finally spitting out the question she had been wanting to ask from the get go “ is it that important for a boy?”
He took a little time to ponder on his words before coming up with an answer.
“It depends, I guess. You can’t expect me to speak for the entire male population now, can you?” he told her in a teasing tone that she caught immediately, almost a mockery for all the times she told him off for making sexist generalizations.
“Was it special for you?” he then caught her off guard with the question.
“I don’t know, I barely remember the guy’s face but I don’t care all that much”
And she was being completely honest, her first time had been nothing more than the result of a drunken night and peer pressure from her former Kook friends, locked in a room at a party with a guy she vaguely recognized from Topper’s clique and truth be told she wasn’t even saddened at the thought of it; for most girls (or at least what society told most girls) the first time was supposed to be this magical and important experience with the trusted love of your life but she never leaned towards that sentiment, she knew that in terms of sexual experiences her first would most likely also be the worst, it would hurt and it would be awkward as hell and she always thought of her virginity as something to get out of the way before actually enjoying sex rather than something so major into her life, she was more than ok with it being a casual matter.
It’s not like sex didn’t mean a thing to her, to the contrary, but it was only after gaining that confidence with her own body that she felt like she was ready to finally share that piece of herself only to meaningful people, ready to truly enjoy this aspect of her life on a different level with no worries and with a better understanding. After all it was a common trait of hers only wanting to show the best side of herself to the people who meant something to her, that’s why she wanted to be ready and confident when “the one” would finally come.
She suddenly felt a certain heaviness in her chest thinking about how she naively thought that Pope could be that someone special, how badly she wanted him to be the one and how incredibly wrong she had been.
“That’s my point, Kie. I don’t think it’s a matter of boys or girls, depends on the person” he shrugged it off.
“Yeah, you’re right” she dismissed him ready to drop the subject entirely.
“Sorry what was that? Did you just say I’m right?” he said smirking.
“You won’t hear me say it twice” she played along flicking his forehead.
“As a friend though I gotta tell you, that was a pretty sexist question” he kept teasing her as he dramatically held a hand to his chest mocking offense.
“Shut up, that’s not how it works” and she shoved him off laughing.
“Mmmh I don’t know, sounds like you were putting us all in a box, Kie” he said between laughter “like c’mon, take Pope for example! You can’t really put us in the same box, he’ll probably get so f*cking attached to the lucky one who takes his V card”
He had said it absentmindedly and he had only meant for the last bit to sound like a joke to take away some of the too serious tone the conversation had taken, but his laughter died down right away when he saw Kiara’s face completely change at the mention of Pope’s name and all of a sudden all of her questioning (and the whole mood she had sported throughout the morning really) made complete sense to him. It dawned on him all at once what this was all about and he felt something inside of him break a little.
“Oh” he just said quietly in understanding.
“ Oh indeed“ she replied and sighed heavily.
“I wasn’t- I mean, I didn’t…” he was struggling to say it out loud, making it all a bit more real “I didn’t know you two got that far”
“WHAT? He didn’t tell you? I thought he told you guys!” her eyes widened in shock “Great, now I’ve even f*cked this one up!”
“No I mean, yeah he definitely said something the other day but I wasn’t really there” he scratched his head suddenly feeling embarrassed “he briefly mentioned some stuff, but I think John B knows a little bit more”
JJ felt his face getting on fire thinking that maybe he was exposing himself a bit too much with his ignorance over his friends relationship, ‘cause it wasn’t like Pope was ever restraining any type of update on the matter but simply in the end JJ had willingly chosen to shut down informations for his own sake.
He had tried to be supportive of them, he knew it was the best for Kie anyway, a guy like Pope was everything he could’ve wished for her when he knew that never in a million years he could be that guy, so he tried helping Pope out when he was clearly struggling and assuming it was all due to his lack of experience with girls and he tried to be happy for them, his curiosity sometimes taking the best of him and making him ask too many questions he wasn’t even sure he wanted an answer for, but it wasn’t until it was thrown right into his face that he truly realized how all of it had only been his usual coping mechanism. Deny, deny, deny.
It was easy to pretend that he was just helping his brother out with a girl or that he was just fishing for information from Kie about a random guy, but when that night at the Chateau he saw Kiara leading Pope away so they could go somewhere to be alone and intimate, it was the moment it all came crashing down. His two best friends, none other than his chosen brother and the girl he was in love with, were truly together and he was truly destined to be nothing but a witness of what he could never have for himself.
That night Rafe had almost put a bullet through his brain and in retrospective that should have been his main concern for the rest of the following hours and yet every minute his two friends were nowhere to be seen. it was a minute he spent thinking about what they were doing, no other thoughts in his head until he saw them sailing back towards the dock at first light of the morning. After that however only pure chaos had followed.
John B getting arrested, John B possibly facing the death penalty, John B trying to make a run from prison, John B and again John B. Trying to save his brother took over his entire existence and he could not think of anything else for days.
But a few days ago John B came back to them like a miracle and with him also came some semblance of normality, a norm that now included a heartbreak he was trying hard to ignore, truly a difficult task when Pope seemed to be constantly asking for their advice.
Only two days ago as soon as the boys were all reunited, they were sitting on the porch and John B, freshly out of the can and eager to know what he had been missing, asked the loaded question that he had been avoiding to ask himself “bro, what the hell happened with Kie the other night?” and that’s when he reached his breaking point.
Just as Pope was starting to tell them how they got to the beach in front of the fire and started kissing and touching, JJ quickly stood up and mumbled an excuse about being late for work and forgetting he had a shift, only to make a run for it.
He wasn’t an idiot, it wasn’t too hard to imagine what could’ve possibly happened between the two when they spent an entire night out together to only come back in the morning with blushing cheeks and not wanting to hear any teasing about it, still it didn’t salvage his brain from constantly wondering about it.
Honestly he had just assumed they had done stuff but he didn’t think they had actually gone all the way. He knew Kiara had only been with one guy before almost a year ago, so sex had to mean something to her and he was 100% sure that for Pope it was a big deal, he always thought of him as the type of guy who would’ve lost his virginity months into a serious relationship in a room with lit candles and Frank Ocean playing on the speakers, didn’t really picture either of them as the type to just do it with their best friend on a public beach in the middle of a killer hunt, but apparently he had been wrong and his two friends had already shared more than he had allowed himself to believe.
“It was awful” Kie brought him back to reality with this blunt statement.
“C’mon now, you don’t need to throw my boy under the bus like that” he bumped her shoulder trying to mask the lump in his throat with some humor.
“I don’t mean physically, you idiot!” she played along only to return serious a second later “it felt wrong, you know what I mean?”
He nodded slowly in an attempt at understanding but his furrowed eyebrows gave away his confusion so she kept explaining herself.
“It just seemed forced. I felt like I had to do it”
“Kie…what do you mean you felt forced to do it?” he asked hesitantly, suddenly alarmed by her choice of words.
Her eyes almost jumped out of her head in shock, she quickly picked up what he was assuming by the worry she found in his eyes and hurried at clearing it all up.
“OH MY GOD, NO! JJ, THAT’S NOT- I’m not saying that! IT’S POPE! He would never do something like that!” she sounded almost offended on their friend’s behalf.
“Well Kie, the f*ck do I know? Pope’s a good guy and all, but if a chick tells you she felt forced to have sex there’s only so much that goes through your head!” he quickly replied embarrassed, part of him already feeling guilty for questioning Pope’s values. He knew his friend would never be such a guy, but worrying about Kie was an unconditional part of his nature, it often blinded any voice of reason.
“Forced by me!” she said exhaling heavily.
The silence that followed was charged with tension and anticipation, he knew she wasn’t done but needed a moment to collect her thoughts and find the right words, so instead of trying to diffuse the situation with a joke like he usually would, he opted for biting his tongue and patiently wait for her to keep going which eventually she did.
What followed was a surprising throw up of confessions that not even Kie was expecting to release all at once in a stream of consciousness.
“Remember when Pope got high after we lost the gold at the Tarmac?” he silently nodded and she kept going “That night, when we went looking for Sarah at Tanny Hill, he kind of confessed his feelings for me. He said he was in love with me”
At that JJ couldn’t help but turn his head away from her, hoping she would not see the panic and heartbreak that struck him.
He was well aware by now of how much Pope liked Kie, it was evident whenever he’d hear him talk about her in the past month, but he honestly didn’t know that Pope’s feelings for Kiara were so deep. He didn’t know that he also fell in love with her and suddenly it all seemed ten times more complicated than he originally thought the whole thing to be.
Him and his best friend both in love with the same girl, great.
He hated to admit it and he knew it was awful of him as a friend, but when the prior day Pope had briefly mentioned how things with Kie were officially over and they had agreed on staying friends, he was secretly relieved. JJ had felt too overjoyed for someone who just learned that his best friend got dumped for the first time ever.
He wasn’t proud of such feelings but he couldn’t help it, it felt like a burden had been taken off of him.
Now though he was wondering how much Pope was truly hurting and how much he was putting on a brave face only to salvage his friendship with Kie, he knew he’d be devastated if he was in his shoes.
Having a taste of what it’s like being with the girl you love, only to see it disappear in the snap of your fingers? No, he wouldn’t be able to survive it.
“And he caught me so off guard” Kie continued talking shaking him off his troubled thoughts “I mean it wasn’t the right moment and I didn’t know what to say so I turned him down, maybe a bit too harshly. I straight up told him I didn’t feel the same and I didn’t see him like that.”
“And when did it change?” He asked her, not even sure he wanted to know the answer.
“It never did. I never had feelings for him, not like that at least” Kiara admitted “I know, you can say it. I’m a real asshole” she then added almost in a whisper with her face down.
JJ remained silent and nudged her shoulder to make her look at him, once she did he just gave her a reassuring smile and told her “you know you can tell me anything and I’d never judge you, right?”
Kie nodded and she got teary eyed for a moment in front of JJ’s affection but she collected herself and comforted by his words, she also found the courage to say out loud all the thoughts that had been trapped in her head for a while.
“I was scared” she finally confessed “when I turned him down he didn’t exactly take it well, that’s why he stormed off the Wreck the next morning and then everything happened so f*cking fast. John B was gone and I was gonna lose Sarah again and it felt like I was losing Pope too. I got so scared, JayJ”
This time she couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over her cheeks, but she was quick to catch them.
“He tried to apologize and he told me he was sorry for how he reacted but he could barely look me in the eyes, it was written all over his face that he was hurt and I knew that he would have probably distanced himself no matter what. I just kissed him in a desperate move to hold on to him.”
“Kind of a fight or flight situation?” JJ asked in his sincere effort to better understand her feelings.
“Yeah kinda, you could say that. And I got myself stuck in a deep deep hole! Kissing your childhood best friend who admitted to be in love with you isn’t exactly the type of things you can take back so easily, add to the equation that we were all grieving John B and Sarah. I couldn’t let him down again so I just tried”
“And why didn’t it work?” he asked her genuinely curious.
If you would have asked JJ, he would have told anyone that Pope was the perfect guy any girl should’ve dreamed about, he knew he often mocked his nerd side and his passion for weird sh*t, but he was honestly the picture perfect guy to bring home to your parents: a good family behind him, a perfect student with great aspirations, a brilliant future ahead of him, funny, smart, good looking, loyal, respectful, kind and the list went on and on. Perfect for a girl like Kie, who in his humble opinion only deserved the best.
“I don’t know” she shrugged “That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself all this time. I mean Pope’s perfect, right?”
Exactly his thoughts.
“I asked myself a million times why could I not just like him. No offence but he’s the most boyfriend material out of all of you”
“No offence taken” he replied with a smirk and hopefully hiding how much it stung hearing it, not because he was surprised by the revelation or because he disagreed, but hearing her say it out loud only confirmed and solidified his belief.
“Although, I think the guy who got married at 16 and who is currently sulking in his room about his divorce would take all the offense in the world” JJ added trying to downplay his feelings with irony.
They both laughed together at John B expenses and fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.
“I know it probably sounds incredibly stupid” she said while looking down at the nail she was currently picking at “but I thought that maybe being intimate like that could’ve helped, it would’ve brought us closer together and unlock the situation a little”
“Let me guess, it didn’t work.” He offered her with a sympathetic smile.
“Nope. It only made it worse” she then sighed heavily and covered her face with her hands “God, it felt so wrong. What I remember the most is the moment it was over”
“Jeez, that bad uh?” he tried to make her smile which thankfully it worked a little.
“Shut up” she hit his chest playfully and then immediately returned serious “It’s just- I don’t know how to explain it but I figure I kind of dissociated myself during the whole thing, it’s only when it was all over and I looked him in the eyes that I recognized Pope, my best friend since kindergarten. I just remember suddenly feeling so foul, like I had seen a side of him that was never meant for me to see.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re not supposed to know what your friend’s o-face looks like” he said with a smirk, this time trying to relieve her tension noticing how her fingers were getting fidgety again.
“Thanks JJ, ever so helpful” and she smirked right back at him.
They got back at staring at the water in silence for a short while before she took a deep breath and with sad eyes she asked him the question that was truly weighing down on her.
“Do you think he will ever forgive me?” her voice so low that he barely heard her over the sound of the small waves hitting the side of the boat.
“What are you talking about? Of course he will!” And he had so much confidence in his words that she almost believed him if it wasn’t for the reality of things.
“I don’t know, I feel like I’m back at square one. He agreed it was batter to stay friends, but now he’s barely talking to me again and I can tell he’s uncomfortable when I’m around. I don’t want to lose him forever”
“He just needs some time, like you said it’s not something you take back just like that” he said snapping his fingers to emphasize the point.
“Yeah, maybe” was the only answer she offered him.
He could tell she wasn’t convinced by his reassurance and he was having none of it, he knew that at times she could be so hard on herself and he always made it his mission to take those burdens off of her.
“I honestly think so. You know how Pope is, he’s probably just confused and needs to find his answers, he hates not understanding things” and she couldn’t argue with that, it was a known fact to all of them that Pope was anything but a pragmatic person “He actually mentioned to me once how he was a bit confused over your mixed signals, so he’s probably melting that brain of his now trying to piece it all together. And for real Kie, you can’t blame yourself forever. I mean yeah, you could’ve spared him some false hope and it wasn’t cool but he’s not free from any guilt either, it wasn’t cool of him to give you the cold shoulder for rejecting him to begin with. You both could’ve handled things differently and he’ll come around.“
She gave him a grateful smile and laid her head on his shoulder, a tiny bit relieved by his words and the confidence in which he was delivering them, but she still felt a weight on her shoulders nonetheless. If she had to be completely honest it had been there long before the whole thing with Pope even happened, lately almost all the solid relationships in her life had gone through a storm, leaving her beaten down and wondering whether she wasn’t the problem at the root of it all.
“I’m really good at letting people down, it seems to be my biggest talent” she said sadly.
“C’mon now we both know that’s not true… you’re also pretty good at surfing”
Kiara then erupted in a spontaneous laugh not expecting for him to crack a joke, but glad he took some of the heaviness away from her confession. She had never said it out loud before and when she did, she instantly felt the conversation getting charged once again and suffocating her a little, but somehow he always knew what she needed and when she needed it the most.
“Pretty good? You know I’m better than you” she shoved him away with a daring look knowing though that she was lying, to her JJ was the best surfer in the whole of the Outer Banks.
“In your dreams, Carrera” he chuckled giving her the finger.
They let their laughter die down before returning to the origin of the conversation, she didn’t really need to specify what, or better who she was talking about: her parents.
“I’ve never seen my mom so angry before”
“When you went to ask about the lawyers and they kicked you out?”
“Yes, I was asking them for some help for John B and she immediately freaked out. I mean yeah, I get it... the whole island thought he killed a cop but they didn’t even listen to me for a second, they didn’t even bother with our side of the story! There I was telling them that my 16 years old best friend was risking death row for a crime he didn’t commit and what was my mom’s biggest concern? That I worry too much about you guys. As if an innocent kid getting wrongfully imprisoned or KILLED shouldn’t be a concern of the whole community” she scoffed, frustrated at the reminder of the last interaction with her parents.
JJ didn’t say anything this time, part of him didn’t actually know what to say ‘cause he couldn’t help but feel guilty anytime he found out that Kie had fought with her parents because of them, he knew they were disapproving of their friendship and would rather see their daughter hang out with a completely different crowd than the pogues, but he also knew that they loved her and even more so that Kiara loved them with all her heart; knowing that he played a part in the stain in their relationship wasn’t a good feeling, if it was up to him he’d only want to see Kie happy and at peace and he hated being in the way of that. He was in the way of the very same things he wanted the most for her.
He also didn’t say anything ‘cause he didn’t want to interrupt her moment, Kiara opening up about her parents was a rare occasions.
She was always the first one to tell them about the importance of communication and let their feelings out, and to be fair she was open about pretty much any aspect of her life, no matter if it took her some time to let it all out eventually she always would do it, just like she had done today with her worries about Pope. When it all got too much he would explode in anger taking it out on a poor innocent tree until he was bleeding out and she would always explode with words followed by the instant relief from the liberation that it brought.
The only thing she often struggled with when it came to sharing her feelings with the class was her family and he knew exactly why, he knew her well enough to notice how she felt guilty complaining about her parents in front of him and John B, he honestly didn’t know if she let out her frustration towards them a bit more in depth with Pope, but with him she would never go too much into details about their arguments. He hated how she thought that her problems weren’t important enough to be discussed, to him everything about her was important.
Afraid of saying the wrong thing and breaking the moment, he just patiently waited for her to feel comfortable and open up a bit more, glad that she did a moment later.
“I know our relationship hasn’t been the greatest lately but I didn’t know how much she actually hated me” her vision got instantly blurry with tears threatening to spill at the thought of it.
“What- what makes you think that?” JJ asked incredulous.
He wanted to reassure her and tell her it wasn’t true, her mom loved her more than anything in the world, of that he was sure, but he was afraid that she would have interpreted it as him dismissing her feelings or belittling her problems, he didn’t want to risk her closing herself up now that she was finally sharing more with him about her family.
“She has always been so obsessed with fitting in with those Kooks, that’s all she has ever known and that’s all she has ever cared about in her life. I only come in the way of that and I never realized how much she sees me like a big stain in her reputation.” she paused only for a second when hot tears escaped her eyes against her own will and getting choked up on her own words she kept talking “she knows what happened with Pope. Well not necessarily about Pope being the one in question, but it kind of slipped up into the argument that I slept with one of you guys and JJ, I’ll never forget the look she gave me!”
Her whole body deflated and JJ had to physically restrain his mouth from hanging open, even he knew it was probably better to not let your parents know about your sex life but he got the feeling that the main problem here was something else entirely.
“She looked at me like I had made the worst mistake of my entire life and I saw right through her, I knew exactly what she was thinking. She was so f*cking terrified, JJ! TERRIFIED that I’d end up pregnant with a guy from the Cut like she did and her disgust only at the idea of it made me feel like sh*t. She looked at me like I was a slu*t who was gonna be the talk of the town. That’s what she thinks of me”
She couldn’t contain her emotions anymore and she started to full on crying. JJ was at a loss for words at her confession but it didn’t stop him from taking Kie into his arms, hoping to bring her a little comfort.
He had no idea that was how she felt about her parents and how much it was weighting down on her being kicked out of her house, hiding behind bunk beds jokes and a smile at the sight of a shared closet. It left him wondering for how long had she lived with that pain all on her own. He didn’t personally know her parents well enough to know for certain if what she was saying was true or not, but he figured that it didn’t actually matter, whether her mom truly thought those things about her or not it didn’t change the fact that she still made Kie feel like sh*t.
He felt an incredible rush of anger take over him, he wanted to retrieve the anchor and drive the boat straight to the Wreck to give a piece of his mind to the Carreras for making this force of nature of a girl feel so small, as if she wasn’t so special and didn’t deserve to be cherished instead. He didn’t though, he knew it would only make it worse and Kiara didn’t need any of that now.
“She’s the loser here, Kie. If they can’t see how great you are then they’re the ones missing out.” he whispered with his face squished in her hair at the top of her head.
She sniffled and once she calmed down a little and her breathing got steady again, she slightly got out of his embrace to look at him and smile, a sad but sincere one.
“Thanks, J” she whispered back at him.
“You don’t have to keep it all to yourself, you know?”
“That’s rich coming from you” she said with a teasing look but he ignored it, hoping she’d hear him loud and clear.
“Your problems are important too. You’re always there for us… but so are we, ok?”
“Yeah, ok” she nodded truly grateful for his words.
“All of us. Me, John B, Sarah… and Pope as well. He loves you and I don’t mean like that, but like the best friends you’ve always been. P4L, right?” He reminded her while shaking her shoulder with the arm he still had wrapped around her.
“P4L” she agreed laying her head on his shoulder once more.
They spent about five minutes just like that, wrapped in a half hug and peacefully looking at the water in front of them in complete silence.
She admittedly felt a bit better than she had that morning, JJ truly helped her out with her worries about Pope and even though it wasn’t his responsibility to mend the hurt from her parents, he also managed to smooth that sorrow down a little.
Their moment of peace however was interrupted when the fishing rod started rattling with something clearly pulling at the line, JJ immediately jumped up to take the pole in his hand and drag the line out of the water, after a small fight he pulled up a fish bigger than the rest he had caught on the entire morning. He got it off the hook and dangled it in front of Kie’s face teasingly.
“Look at this beast!” He cheered.
“JJ, get this thing off my face! Unlike some I don’t want to smell like fish all day” she glared at him but her smile betrayed her false annoyance.
“But I thought you loved animals! C’mon, give it a kiss”
Kiara then jumped up with a squeal when he brought the fish even closer to her face and run to the other side of the boat with JJ chasing after her. Eventually he surrendered and put the fish down casting the line once again in the water, their laughter still echoing through the bay.
She felt lighter, she couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed like that truly meaning it and without a care in the world.
Lately life had been too heavy; if at the beginning of the summer someone would have told her of all the things coming their way, she would’ve never believed them and yet all of a sudden their lives had become such a scary and intricate mess, at times even testing their relationships.
So many things had changed so quickly.
Sarah got back into her life and then just like that she was ripped away from her and John B along with her, she mourned her friends only for them to come back home and then see John B being one step away from death once more and then return again, along the way Pope almost shut her out and when she managed to pull him back to her it only ended up in a bigger fracture and through it all her parents had kept belittling her and pushing her even further away from the first safe space she had ever known.
In someway or another all of her relationships with her loved ones had gone through changes and painful cracks, all except one.
Even through all the chaos the only thing that remained unscathed was her bond with JJ, somehow she believed it even got stronger.
She had always found a great confidant in him, he was the best listener out of all her friends and although he would never admit it, ‘cause God forbid he recognized a good side of him, he was also the most observant. He always picked up on her moods and never failed to make her laugh when she needed it the most, land an ear when she needed to complain or throw her some words of wisdom when she felt a little lost.
Kie was firmly convinced that there was an entire universe in JJ’s head, ‘cause it was a mystery to her how the same brain that came up with the most deranged plans and often lacked so much common sense was also the same one who was so perceptive of her feelings and always managed to give her the best advice, he constantly surprised her and especially in the past couple of months when he would’ve had all the right reasons to lose his mind, he became her rock instead.
Admittedly she had half expected for him to ghost them when they believed John B to be dead, doing his usual thing and avoid his emotions, but against all odds he was the one who constantly kept asking her and Pope to hang out and he was the one who proposed a memorial in their friend’s name. Sure, he was drinking way too much for her liking, but it was still better than she had expected and when her parents started threatening her again with boarding school and breathing down her neck for her life choices, he was the one who reminded her to be proud of who she was.
Even during her failed attempt at a relationship with Pope when things with him were tense and they seemed to be on two different planets, JJ was the one she turned to for still feeling like herself, to feel like she didn’t need to try so hard to be liked and accepted. Sometimes even a simple laughter of his at a joke that Pope would’ve rolled his eyes at, made her day better.They always had a special bond and she knew it well but during the most testing of times he had become some sort of lighthouse for her, a steady rock to always go back to for safety.
Kiara was slowly and painfully learning that changes were inevitable in life and there was no way of preventing them from happening but she was less scared knowing that no matter how south things could go, she’d always have him at least.
To be fair what she had wanted the most from their little escape to the marsh was to avoid all the mess inside her head and forget about it, which thinking about it now was so uncharacteristic of her and it was a bit frightening to think that perhaps this was another aspect that was changing about her.
She wasn’t entirely sure what made her change her mind and start the conversation about Pope when she had been so determined to let it go to rest for the day, but she suspected it also had to do with JJ, just being around him lately worked as some sort of therapy and comfort, it was as if he had the power to always remind her who she truly was and what truly mattered.
Today had been the ultimate proof of that, just as she was so close to lose her mind with all the problems she was juggling all at once, there he was putting her mind at ease and reminding her how she didn’t need to constantly blame herself for everything and how things would turn out just fine in the end ‘cause eventually they always did anyway.
And she believed him, or at least she believed all those changes weren’t actually as scary as they seemed to be in the beginning ‘cause she wasn’t alone against it all, no matter what she had JJ.
With all this new reassurances and clarity in mind she made herself two important promises that day.
For starters, she’d have to always hold on tight to JJ and protect their friendship ‘cause he was the most precious person in her life and no matter what, she would always fight for him and for their bond to never break. One thing she would not allow life to take away from her? JJ, ever.
And the second thing she promised herself that morning was something that she so naively believed to be the easiest one to keep: she was done looking for love in her best friends.
